From the dreaded “Where do babies come from?” to navigating real-life scenarios, talking about sex with your child can feel intimidating. Maybe you’re not sure where to start, or you’re worried about saying the wrong thing.
There will be all kinds of conflicting, confusing messages your child will hear about sex as they grow up. If you aren’t leading the conversation, someone else will. But as a parent (or someone who has influence in a young person’s life!) you have the opportunity to speak wisdom and truth into their understanding of sex and give them much-needed clarity! Proverbs 22:6 instructs parents to guide their children on the right path – and then they will never leave it. Who wouldn’t want to set their child up to have a healthy, mature, and wise perspective on sex?
But before that can happen, you need to make sure you have a solid foundation of trust.
Build a foundation of trust and openness
Many parents think they have a strong bond of trust with their kids, but put yourself in their shoes for a moment. When you were growing up, how did you feel coming to a parent with questions about sex? Was it awkward or embarrassing? Were you scared they’d judge you or punish you?
It’s essential to help your child understand they don’t need to have those concerns when they come to you. Here’s how to solidify trust so conversations around sex can be more honest and helpful:
- Make sure your child understands there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sex, by design, is a gift – but one that comes with a lot of responsibility. Your role is to empower your child with wisdom.
- Listen before you speak. Ask open-ended questions and genuinely hear them out – and let your child ask theirs, too. No topic should be off limits!
- Make it an ongoing dialogue, not a one-time “big talk.” Your child’s questions about sex will evolve as they get older. Keep the conversation open so they always feel safe coming to you.
- If these conversations weren’t modeled well for you growing up, acknowledge that – and commit to do better for your child.
Share the “why” behind God’s design for sex
There’s a comical scene from the movie Mean Girls where the High School Phys-Ed teacher is giving students a sex talk. The classic line from that scene is “Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant and die.”
It’s easy to joke about, but the truth is it would be a disaster if that’s how the talk went with your kids.
It’s easy to fall into a list of “don’ts,” but your child needs more than rules to navigate sex well. They need reasons to help shape their understanding and inform their decisions.
Move beyond “Don’t do this” to “Here’s why God designed it this way.”
Simply telling your child not to have sex before marriage does them a disservice. Help them understand why it matters to wait, and what the consequences could be if they don’t. Here are some of the negative impacts sex outside of marriage can bring:
- Struggles with trust and intimacy. Sex creates deep emotional bonds, and breaking those bonds can lead to hurt, insecurity, or difficulty trusting future relationships.
- Regret and heartbreak. Many people experience emotional pain from sexual experiences outside of a committed, God-honoring relationship.
- Distance from God. When we step outside of God’s design, we can feel guilt or shame that pushes us away from him rather than drawing us closer. (Keep in mind, God will never distance himself from us.)
- Missed opportunity for God’s best. God’s design for sex is meant to bring joy, trust, and intimacy within marriage. Choosing a different path can bring unnecessary pain.
- Health risks. Premarital sex increases the risk of sexually-transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. God’s design protects against these risks.
Our culture perpetuates big lies about sex that leave us confused at best and regretful at worst. Here are some additional tips on helping your child understand some of the biggest myths about sex.
Highlight that sex is more than just physical
There’s no such thing as casual sex. Because God designed it to forge a powerful connection between husband and wife, misusing it outside of marriage can have long-lasting emotional effects. It’s relational, emotional, and spiritual.
Reinforce that God’s design isn’t to restrict, but to protect
God wants what’s best for us. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 reminds us that “God’s will is for [us] to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin.” By approaching sex the way God intended, we continue to live a life that reflects holiness and obedience, and it protects us from experiencing the damaging consequences from a misguided approach.
Be honest about the cultural messages they’re hearing
Your child is already hearing about sex from friends, social media, music, TV, and the internet. Instead of avoiding tough topics, be proactive in addressing them.
- Acknowledge that they’re getting a lot of mixed messages.
- Teach them how to filter these messages through biblical truth.
- Be willing to talk about hard subjects like pornography, peer pressure, and sexual identity.
Remind them of the wisdom in Romans 12:2: "Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think."
Keep the Conversation Age-Appropriate and Ongoing
Every child matures at a different pace, so it’s impossible to have a one-time sex talk that sets them up for life. The conversation should be ongoing, and one that meets your child where they’re at.
This means they might come to you with a question you’re not expecting. Don’t panic! Stay calm and answer the question as honestly and openly as you can. And don’t be afraid to do some research. It’s okay to say “I don’t know – let's learn together.”
Model wisdom in your own life
They say actions speak louder than words, and that includes how you raise your children. Your personal actions and experiences will go a long way in helping your child shape a wise, mature perspective on sex. This means:
- Being open about your own experiences. Don’t be TMI, but be willing to share openly about what you’ve learned, and maybe even some mistakes you made along the way.
- Leading with grace over guilt if your child makes a choice you disagree with. You can’t always protect them from making a mistake, but you can protect them from lifelong shame and a splintered relationship with you if they do.
- Reminding them where their identity lies. We all fall short – whether in the way we handle sex, or in other aspects of life – but God’s forgiveness is the same. Romans 8:1 reminds us that there is “no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” While that doesn’t give us a free pass, it does give grace freely if we mess up.
You’re not alone
Conversations about sex don’t need to be perfect – they just need to happen. And you have everything at your disposal to guide your child with wisdom. Talk to God, who loves you and your kids and wants the best for all of you. And don’t miss the power of connecting with other parents who have been in your shoes! You’re not alone in this.
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In today's culture, premarital sex is normal, and often encouraged. So, does God forgive sex before marriage?
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