What makes a marriage healthy?
It’s not grand romantic gestures or perfectly posed Instagram moments. A strong, healthy marriage is marked by something much deeper: a love that reflects the way Jesus loves us.
Ephesians 5:1–2 gives us a clear picture of what that love should look like: “Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ.”
That’s not just a suggestion—it’s a challenge. In marriage, we’re called to love with the same fierce, committed, sacrificial love Jesus has for us. A love that says, “I choose you no matter what.” And when two people live out that kind of love, it changes everything.
What does that actually look like in everyday married life? Here are 9 behaviors you’ll see in a strong, healthy marriage—and 3 you won’t.
9 Things You’ll See in a Healthy Marriage
1. Choosing Each Other Daily
A healthy marriage isn’t built on a one-time “I do.” It’s built on a thousand daily “I choose you” moments. Committing to your spouse in the small things builds trust for the big things. It’s saying, “I don’t just choose you when you get it right. I choose you when you don’t. I choose you when I feel close, and when we feel miles apart.”
This reflects the same kind of love God shows us: “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He didn’t wait for us to get it right. He chose us anyway.
2. Loving Like Jesus
Jesus didn’t love us when it was easy or convenient. He chose to love sacrificially, even to the point of death. Ephesians 5:2 tells us to “Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us.”
That's the kind of love that all healthy relationships—especially marriages—mirror: one that isn’t self-serving, but self-giving.
3. Going All-In
Half-hearted effort won’t lead to a thriving relationship. In a healthy marriage, both people are fully committed. You can’t go into a marriage saying “I’m here as long as this works for me.” It needs to be, “I’m here. Period.”
Jesus models this unwavering commitment. Romans 8:38–39 reminds us that “nothing can ever separate us from God’s love”—not our mistakes, not our past, not even our fears about the future. And if we’re to love our spouse the way Jesus loves us, we need to be just as unwavering in our love for them.
4. Serving Without Keeping Score
Healthy couples out-serve each other. They don’t tally chores or track who said sorry first. They give freely, without expecting something in return, because they know love isn’t a transaction.
Philippians 2:3–4 paints the picture well: “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves…take an interest in others, too.” That kind of humility changes how we love.
5. Being Open and Authentic
There’s no pretending in a strong marriage. Vulnerability is welcomed, not feared. You’re not trying to say the “right” thing—you’re committed to saying the real thing, even when it’s hard. Whether it’s about sharing more of yourself or approaching conflict in a healthy way, honesty builds connection, and in marriage, that connection creates trust.
6. Offering Grace Freely
You’re going to mess up. So will your spouse. That’s why healthy marriages are full of grace.
In a marriage, we have to do what Colossians 3:13 calls us to do: “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
However, not all behaviors are excusable. If you’re on the receiving end of abusive treatment in your marriage, your safety needs to come first. Reach out to a national or local hotline to receive the help and support you need.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-SAFE (7233)
7. Staying Focused on What Matters Most
Hebrews 12:1–2 encourages us to “strip off every weight that slows us down…And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus.” There are lots of races we run in life, like work or school, and marriage is a race that’s especially important to lock in for.
It’s easy to get distracted by the demands of everyday life. But healthy marriages fight to keep the goal in sight: staying connected to each other and to the love of Jesus.
8. Being Each Other’s Safe Place
In a healthy marriage, you don’t have to filter your thoughts, hide your struggles, or earn acceptance. You’re safe. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” Your spouse should be the one who knows the real you—and loves you anyway.
9. Returning Again and Again
Even when things get hard (And they will!), healthy couples keep coming back to one another. They don’t avoid conflict or walk away. 1 Peter 4:8 reminds us to “continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” Real love doesn’t quit when things get messy. It stays and fights for what’s most important.
3 Things You Won’t See in a Healthy Marriage
Just like there are hallmark behaviors in a healthy marriage, there are some red flags to keep an eye out for.
1. Keeping Score
Love doesn’t keep a tally. When couples start counting who did what, resentment grows and love shrinks. 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us that love “keeps no record of being wronged.” Healthy marriages are fueled by generosity, not grudges.
2. Playing It Safe
When you hold back out of fear or try to be the version of yourself you think your spouse wants, intimacy erodes. Instead, James 5:16 calls us to be honest: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Vulnerability creates the space where real love can grow.
3. Losing Sight of the Goal
No one plans to drift apart, but it happens when we lose focus. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:21, “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” When we treasure our spouse and our relationship with God, we’ll invest our time and energy in what matters most.
If you struggle with any of these things in your marriage, it doesn’t mean it’s time to call it quits—but it could be time to sit down and have an honest conversation about what’s missing and where you can better support each other.
And don’t underestimate the value of marriage counseling! Bringing in a third party who can honestly assess where your relationship is at and what it needs can be a game-changer. Reach out and we can share a list of trusted counselors.
What Makes a Marriage Last?
The marriages that we think of as perfect aren't really perfect. They're the result of intentionality and commitment. They happen when two spouses choose each other with the same kind of radical, unconditional love that Jesus shows us.
Whether you’re just starting out or decades into your marriage, remember this: You can only love like this when you let Jesus love you first. From the overflow of his love, you can keep choosing your spouse every single day.
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