Anger is a normal part of life—but knowing how to respond when someone else is angry can feel anything but normal. Whether it’s a heated moment in a conversation or an explosive reaction to a bad day, knowing how to help someone calm down is a valuable skill.
Why do we get angry?
Anger usually isn’t the root problem—it’s a reaction to something deeper, like hurt, fear, or feeling misunderstood. People express anger differently: some shout or lash out, while others shut down or simmer quietly.
When someone you care about is angry, your response can either escalate the situation or help them feel safe enough to process their emotions. Learning to respond with empathy instead of judgment is key.
What not to say when someone’s angry
Sometimes we tend to use certain phrases that sound like they can be helpful but tend to do more harm than good. Here are some examples of what not to say:
“Calm down.”
What we think it does: reminds them to take a beat and simmer down.
What it actually does: the opposite.
“It’s not a big deal.”
What we think it does: helps the other person take things into perspective.
What it actually does: makes it sound like you’re minimizing their experience.
“You’re overreacting.”
What we think it does: alerts the other person that their emotional reaction is out of proportion.
What it actually does: makes them feel like their emotions aren’t valid.
“You always do this.”
What we think it does: helpfully points out a behavioral pattern that gets in the way of conflict resolution.
What it actually does: makes the other person feel attacked.
“Just let it go.”
What we think it does: helps them take a step back and move on.
What it actually does: oversimplifies what they may be feeling.
It’s easy to see why we need help calming someone when they’re angry! Even if we mean well, we might not be getting it right. Here’s how to calm someone and diffuse conflict in a way that actually works:
How to calm someone down when they’re angry
Keep calm yourself
If someone is raising their voice, don’t match their tone. Stay steady and composed. Your calm presence can serve as an anchor. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” Responding with gentleness instead of aggression is one of the most effective ways to de-escalate tension.
Listen without interrupting
A key to communication when someone is angry is simply listening. Let them express themselves fully before offering solutions. Use body language and simple affirmations to show you’re listening: nod, make eye contact, and say things like, “I hear you,” or “That sounds really frustrating.” This echoes the wisdom found in James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
Validate their feelings
There’s a misconception that, by validating someone else’s feelings, we’re agreeing with them. When we acknowledge what the other person is feeling, we’re really letting them know that we understand why they feel that way. You can validate someone’s feelings by saying:
- “I get why that would upset you.”
- “That sounds like a tough situation.”
If anger can spark from feeling unheard, taking this simple step to help them feel seen and understood can make a big difference.
Suggest a shift in environment
Sometimes, a change of scenery can help interrupt the anger spiral. Suggest going for a walk, stepping outside, or even taking a few deep breaths together. A small reset can make a big difference.
Take a pause
There’s an old saying that goes, “never go to bed angry.” The idea here is noble in theory: you don’t let the sun set on your anger, but instead do whatever you can to diffuse the conflict.
However, sometimes forcing yourselves to stay in the conversation can do more harm than good. If tension is escalating quicker than you can control it, it might be wise to take a breather. There’s nothing wrong with giving the other person (or yourself!) space to calm down and process before returning to the conversation. Sometimes, that time away can help you approach things with fresh eyes and a healthier perspective.
Don’t leave it unaddressed!
All too often, we walk away from conflict and tough conversations with every intention to come back to it—but we keep avoiding it. Even if you’re both feeling better about things after stepping away, it’s crucial to come back together. Make sure you’ve processed through everything, establish that there are no hard feelings, and determine your next steps to move forward.
When is it okay to walk away?
No matter how much you care, your safety matters too. If the person becomes verbally or physically aggressive, or if they refuse to calm down despite your efforts, it’s okay to walk away.
Stepping back doesn’t mean giving up—it can give both of you time and space to reset. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is leave room for the other person to process their emotions on their own.
If someone’s anger ever turns into verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, it’s important to know that you are not responsible for managing or fixing their behavior. Abuse is never justified, and your safety matters. If you feel unsafe or threatened, step away and seek help immediately. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for support and resources.
Don’t let anger control you—or your relationships
Ephesians 4:26 offers this timeless wisdom: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Learning to address anger without being controlled by it takes time, grace, and intentional support.
Knowing how to calm someone when they’re caught in a moment of intense emotion isn’t about having the perfect script. It’s about being a calm, compassionate presence who listens, validates, and gently guides them toward peace.
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