When someone hurts us, betrays our trust, or lets us down it’s natural to feel anger and disappointment. When we’re struggling with such deep hurt, forgiveness is often the last thing we want to do. After all, isn’t forgiving someone like giving them a “free pass” to hurt us again, or a way of denying the real hurt we’ve been through?
What if forgiveness isn’t a feeling, a free pass, or a denial of reality? What if it’s a daily attitude and action, a commitment to a lifelong process? Here’s what forgiveness really looks like, and how to walk through it with others:
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Feelings
It may feel easier to suppress negative emotions than to acknowledge them, but the first step toward forgiveness is to recognize your pain and anger.
It’s not a sin to be angry; it’s a natural response to being wronged. But it’s not productive to deny your anger and hurt. Journaling or opening up to someone you trust can help you get in touch with those feelings and start to process them.
All the while, remember, God is there with you in your pain. He sees you and he cares about what you’re going through. As Psalm 34:18 reminds us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Step 2: Pray for the Strength to Forgive
Let’s not pretend that finding the strength to forgive someone is easy. In fact, it’s impossible on our own! That’s why we need to ask God for strength to forgive what feels unforgivable.
Simply admitting that we need God’s help – that we’re struggling to forgive though we know he wants us to – is the first step. Confess that you need him, and he will come alongside you and empower you. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus compels us, "But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!"
Step 3: Reflect on How God Forgave You
When we’re working on forgiving others, it can help to remind ourselves just how much God has forgiven us. Take some time to reflect on your own sins; (It’s a humbling experience!) Now, reflect on how it felt when you accepted God’s forgiveness: the freedom and the gratitude.
Remembering how God forgave you can inspire you to extend the same grace. As Christians, our goal is to become like Christ. We forgive and love others because he first loved and forgave us. As Paul instructs in Ephesians 4:32, "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
Step 4: Make the Decision to Forgive
Matthew 6:14-15 tells us, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you." If you need motivation to choose forgiveness, look no further!
Forgiveness is a choice we continually make, a daily commitment to release someone else from our anger. Saying aloud, “I forgive [name] for [specific action]” can help our forgiveness feel more “real.”
There may be times when you need to do this more than once! Don’t give up. Remember that God is faithful, and doesn’t expect you to do it alone.
Step 5: Let Go of the Grudge
An important part of forgiveness is letting go of resentment and the desire for revenge. Forgiveness requires us to trust that God will handle the situation. Remember that vengeance is the Lord’s and "Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you" (Hebrews 12:15). This might not come easy, but practice can help.
When you catch yourself replaying the offense in your mind, choose to stop and replace those thoughts with prayers for healing. When we trust God to take care of things, we no longer feel animosity.
Step 6: Pray for the Person Who Hurt You
We need to pray for ourselves as we seek to forgive, but we also need to pray for the well-being of the person we’re trying to forgive. We’re often more inclined to curse our enemies than to bless them, but that’s exactly what we’re instructed to do in Luke 6:28: "Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."
There’s something about praying for others that helps us see them how God sees them. Praying for someone makes it more difficult to stay angry with them, and it trains us to want for them what God wants.
Step 7: Seek Reconciliation
Matthew 5:23-24 instructs us, "So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person."
Forgiveness is a decision we make ourselves. Reconciliation is taking that forgiveness a step further and actually making peace with the other person. This can look like having a calm and honest conversation about your feelings, writing a letter, or extending an olive branch by doing something kind or helpful for them.
What if Reconciliation Isn’t Possible?
What if we can’t talk to them or send a letter? There are times when reconciliation with someone who wronged us won’t be possible—maybe because they passed away, or because continuing contact puts us in danger. Romans 12:18 says this: “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”If reconciliation isn’t possible, you can find rest in the fact that God handles all situations with justice.
Forgiveness is a Lifestyle
Forgiveness isn’t a one and done. It’s challenging, and it requires dedication and perseverance. But it’s essential for our emotional and spiritual health.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what they did to you was ok. It doesn’t invalidate your pain. But it does allow you to release it and live in freedom.
Because forgiveness can be challenging, it’s important to be patient with yourself as you walk through these steps. Remind yourself that by forgiving others, you’re able to let go of the burden of anger and hurt so you can find peace.
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